Do It Afraid

Lessons from the Convent

The thing about asking a room full of women and nonbinary filmmakers if you should step into directing a feature film is that they are always going to say yes. So asking their advice is really asking their permission, and what you’re really trying to do is give yourself permission. 

I sometimes think about how brave and carefree (careless?) I was in my early and mid-20s, which is kind of a function of being that age. It’s essential. But it’s also very silly to have the capacity to stand fully in your power then, when you really need that hot blast of confidence 15 or so years later.

This is all to say that I’ve been struggling with the idea of myself as DIRECTOR. Which is kind of silly, when you consider that I am already a director, someone who has written and directed a short that went to Sundance and a piece for a national TV show that was nominated for an Emmy. I say this not to brag. (Though, as my mom would say, “Maybe you should brag. You did those things.”) I say this to remind myself that I can and should direct. I’m writing it here, again, as another layer of permission (accountability?).

I have just returned from a life-changing trip to the HerArts Film Lab in southern Italy. We stayed at a beautiful and delightfully weird estate near the ruins at Paestum. We ate, drank limoncello, learned about our art and each other, and worked through our shit for 9 full days. Somewhere in there we started comparing it to convent. More than half of us were queer. All were over 35. It was basically the plot of Lauren Groff’s MATRIX with fewer visions (at least for me).